Sunday afternoon , april 18
Frankie Chili just finished the first race at Misano and Valentino Rossi is getting
ready for his debut with the Yamaha.
I have Noah on my lap,and al of the sudden his face colours grey.
We connect the monitor ; Noah`s oxygen-level has dropped to 45%.
We lay him on his belly and call the doctor.After 10 minutes his oxygen-level has
climmed to 65% and again 10 minutes later it`s 90%.His heartrate is far to high.The doctor arrives,but there`s nothing he
can do.Giving oxygen won`t do any good ; the only thing we can do is give him morfine.That would be the last phase so we want
to take that decision with our own doctor.
Noah is sleeping , the doctors leaves.
By then Rossi won the race , i see Chili cross the finishline taking the win.He leads
the championship for the first time in his career.Tears are rolling down my face.
Noah`s dying.
That night Noah lies between us.
He has seizure after seizure , the medication is not working anymore.
His heartrate is constantly to high , we can keep his oxygen-level at 90% by keeping
him on his belly.We even have to change his diaper like that.
We realize Noah has nothing left ; his eyes are empty,his soul is gone.
Monday april 19
Our own doctor arrives in the morning.
He is very honest with us.
We have no more comfort & quality to offer Noah.
The only thing that`s left for us to do, is giving him morfine.
He will softly slip away then.He will not suffer,no more pain .
Believe me,there is no such thing as a "beautifull death".There is no beauty
to have your baby in your arms dying.
Dignified and peacefully,yes.But it`s the worst thing that can happen to you.
By 8.30 PM , Noah breaths in and out for the last time.The silence is so loud......
I stay with Noah on our bed for a while ; the same bed he was born in 11 weeks &
5 days ago.He looks peacefully.
The doctor comes and calls the funeral company.Our friends,who took care of Jessy
and brought him to bed , make some coffee for us.They see Noah,say goodbye and leave.
We wash Noah and dress him.
Ellen & Cornelieke from the funeral company arrive and the first thing they say
is "wow , he looks so at peace!"
He does.Noah looks very relaxed and content.
We move his bed back into his room and put elements in it to cool it.We lay
Noah in there our selfs.
Ellen & Cornelieke leave around midnight and the doctor comes for a moment.
Around 1 o`clock we`re alone.
Dazed , defeated.
Patrick goes outside to smoke a sigaret.I make some e-mails and must ,as painfull
as it is,get rid of some milk.
We sit here for a while,talk and cry , and decide to try to get some sleep,or at
least get some rest.
Tuesday april 20
Jessy is awake around 7.Like every day he wants to start the day by hugging Noah.He
notices Noah`s bed is not in our room anymore.
I sit him down on our bed and say:
"Jessy,listen to mama.Do you remember we told you that Noah is very sick and will
die?That he`s going to live on a beautifull cloud,where he can play and eat chocolate?"
"yes"
"Noah is death.His eyes are closed , he`s cold and doesn`t move anymore."
"oh"
"He`s in his own bed in his room.Do you want to see him?"
"yes"
He looked at Noah,softly touched his face and noticed Noah indeed was cold.
"Noah has to eat?"
"No,Noah doesn`t eat anymore"
"Music for Noah then?"
"yes,that you can do.Let it play".
Jessy started the music box and went to play.
We want to take care of Noah even now , so we take it on us to make sure the bed
Noah is in stays cooled.He`s our son,it`s our job to do so.
